Friday, November 4, 2011

Why I Hate Twilight

At the recent Idaho Book Extravaganza, I came out of the vampire closet. More specifically, in a workshop hosted by StoneHouse Ink CEO Aaron Patterson and author Estevan Vega (authors of Ariel and Arson), I came out in front of about 30 people that I was ashamed to admit that I had read the entire Twilight series.

If something is trendy, I will naturally rebel against it. If everyone is saying "You have to see/wear/read this, it's AWESOME!!!" chances are good that I never will. So, I would have lived a long and happy life without ever reading the Twilight "Saga" (you know something's trendy when they tack on archaic Greek and Nordic words like "epic" and "saga"). But I have. And it's 48 hours of my life I'll never be able to get back.

I have never been one anyone would call a trend-follower. When I was growing up in the '80s and '90s we didn't have much money, so I was unable to follow the fashion and toy trends until the tail-end of their long, or short, trend-lives. This is probably what instilled my somewhat-overdeveloped sense of individuality. I know what I like, and I know what I don't like, and I usually know why I do or do not like them.

When I was in high school and had a job and should have been spending my money buying things like the "right" clothes and going to the "right" movies, I was spending my money on things that interested me--things like office supplies (can't write well without something to write on and write with) and my first computer (a used 486 with hardly any memory that I ended up naming "George" because while it always meant well, it crashed a lot). So, since I was spending all my money on worthwhile things, and saving for college, I had little money for trendy things--like GAP and Ambercrombie and Fitch clothing and going to the "in" movies such as Titanic. (To this day, I have not seen Titanic, nor do I have any desire to do so. I already know how the movie ends--the boat sinks, "Stick Boy" dies--so why do I need to go see it? My brother, on the other hand, saw the movie about a dozen times in the theater.)

So, of course, when Twilight first debuted and became a best-seller, I had absolutely no clue about it. I was busy with my son and writing my own Young Adult fiction. But, when I was contacted about 18 months ago to ghostwrite "something like Twilight" I had to break down and read the books. My husband and his best friend made fun of me for even thinking about reading them and told me I would hate them, but--purely for the betterment and honing of my craft--I put in my request at the library (there was no way I was actually going to spend money following a trend) for the four books and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And a pit in my stomach began to form. These things really were trendy.

And then I got the books, read them, and found all new ways to despise them.

A good read will leave you wanting more. You are able to savor the story; get more out of the story each time you read. You should be left wondering what will happen to the characters every time the book is put down. You should always be kept on your toes. A good read, really, is like an episode of 24. Just when you think it's done, and are about to wonder what the writer did to fill up the rest of the pages (or the next 18 hours) here comes a new twist straight out of left field, forcing Jack Bauer to break a lamp over someone's head to get at the wires inside in order to extract needed information--or making you promise yourself "okay, only one more chapter, then I'll go to sleep." Twilight, however, is not one of those stories. It is entirely predictable; there are no twists and turns and things coming from any field, let alone the left one.

A good book, especially in a series, should be meaty. It takes a while to prepare and enjoy a beef wellington; much less time to prepare and eat a microwave cube steak dinner. Twilight is cube steak. I read all four books (over a few weeks; it took a while for the last two to come in after reading the first pair) in under 48 hours total; I'd say it may have been under 40. It should not take that short amount of time to read that many pages! The whole "saga" is over 2500 pages long, for crying out loud! For that many pages, I should have had to renew at least one of the books in order to get it all read. But no. Nope. Uh uh. I was able to read one book (I forget which one; they all kind of run together after a while) in under 16 hours.

A good story should have believable characters that you want to root for. The more I read the saga, the more I got the same sense I did when watching Saved By The Bell on Saturday mornings growing up--namely, an overwhelming sense that, "These are not high school students." I began siding with Bella's parents (some of the only believable characters)--her obsession with a boy, leading to such self-destructive behavior, is not healthy and should not be glorified.

I won't necessarily get into the story itself because epic love stories are timeless. Love triangles are timeless. The paranormal is timeless. (Of course, one could also substitute "timeless" for "overdone.") The actual content of the story--and an author's writing style--is purely a matter of personal opinion. (If you're wondering, I did not like either--especially the infantophilia prominent in the last book--but I'm not going to fault someone else for liking it.)

I also have a lot to say about the movies (which I did not pay to watch), but that's another blog. Let's just say that I enjoyed the movie Vampires Suck so very much more than Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. And I enjoyed Vampires Suck so very much more than my husband, who has never read the books nor seen the movies.

Update: Now, with the whole broohaha over Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson... yeah, my world has not been thrown upside down. My life has not been changed at all. Neither should anyone else's. My heart, of course, goes out to the kids affected by their father's stupidity--and them only--but I really couldn't care less about one Hollywood star doing what Hollywood stars do absolutely best: Cheat on her Hollywood star boyfriend.


  1. You're forgetting the most important reason to hate the series: The castration of the vampire as a monster. Oh I know Anne Rice started it with Lestat, but this is the completion. Vampires have not, nor should they, sparkle when sun hits them. Sun is a metaphor for the goodness and holiness vampires turned their backs on when they became creatures of the night. Having them explode/burst into flame/turn to dust when sunlight hits them is essential to the mythos and should not be tampered with.

    I would forgive Ms. Meyer this if it was a one time offense. It isn't. In another book, she decides to turn her castration knife on the alien invasion genre. What's next, I ask you! Hippie werewolves who turn into domesticated dogs at the light of a full moon? Vegan zombies? Maybe demons who are better "good guys" than angels? (Yes, I realize all or most of this has been done before, and I really hate it)

  2. Yeah, well, I told you plainly that I wasn't going to comment on the story itself.

    But yes, vampires should not sparkle.

    But didn't you hear? She's not able to come up with any new characters any more, so she's going to be expanding the saga.

  3. Last I heard she was ending the saga early in a hissy fit 'cause a chapter or two got leaked on the internet.

  4. Oh poor her. She's already getting royally screwed by going with one of the Big 6 anyway. If she got her advance already on this next series, good luck ever getting a book published again.

  5. I think with the movie deal, the comic books, the t-shirts, and all the other merchandise involved here the only one we can say for certain isn't getting screwed is Ms. Meyer.

  6. She is, when you figure she would have gotten more royalties (like in the double-digits more) going with an indie than with a traditional..... If you want to make money writing these days, you gotta go indie.